Not working today

My body that is.  I was feeling SO good this morning.  I woke up and I was amazed, like a new breath of air in my lungs.  Today is a new day, I can do this, constantly giving myself positive mantras.  I made it all the way downstairs with no pain - a good sign.  I made it to William's room and Bailey's cage with no pain - big plus.  Take Bailey out, no problems.  Get me and the dude dressed to go to the doc - no problem.

On the way home from the doctor's office, I decided I wanted a salad.  So I figure I'll stop at Meijer on the way home and grab stuff for salad.  Problem as soon as I try to get William out of his car seat.  We get 5 feet into the store and instantly I have pain in my cervix.  Nothing better than trying to walk through the grocery store, bent in half, leaning on the cart while trying to keep your kid distracted so they don't see you in pain and trying not to get too many funny looks from other shoppers.  I NEED to be able to do this.  My body needs to work right now.  Took me about half an hour to get what I needed - much longer than necessary.  I was just trying my damnest to get through the store as quickly and painlessly as possible.  Ended up spending too much money but I just didn't care.  I wanted to get into the van so I could sit down.

I had 6 bags of groceries in the car, managed to get 3 of them out.  I only wanted to get the refrigerated stuff out so that it didn't go bad.  Bailey at this point had been sitting in her crate for two hours, and she needed to go outside.  So I take her outside and she pees, I turn around and William locked the glass sliding door.  Fucking fantastic.  I check my pockets... no keys, no cell phone.  The ONE time I don't have my cell phone on me and its when my 18 month old just locked himself in the house.  So I'm trying not to panic...  I go around to the front door hoping I didn't lock it. Nope - locked.  Side door is locked up tight.  So I remember, I had opened William's window.  Try it, nope - security locks are open.  Not like I could climb through it anyways...  So after 15 mins of trying to convince William to unlock the door, I said fuck it - I'm gonna go to the neighbors and ask to borrow their phone.  And OF COURSE - shes not home.  Grr.  The neighbor 2 doors down is outside, and let me borrow his cell to call Tom and tell him to come home.  He offers to help out, but there is nothing I can do without a key into the house.  So I walk back to the sliding door to see William attempting to turn the gas stove on....  I bang on the door, tell him no, and he comes back over to the door.  5 more mins and he finally gets to the latch, so I managed to slide the door open and get back in the house.

Of course, I can't punish him for it.  Hes just a baby, he doesn't understand that what he did was bad and dangerous.  So I tell him no, thats a bad boy.  He said hi and walked away... so yeah.  I managed to get into the living room and I HAD to sit down because I got such an intense pain in my cervix.  I actually made a yelping noise - which is rare at best for me.  That began the last 2 hours or so of misery for me.  I got William into bed with a bottle and had to sit down.  Luckily, Tom walked in the house about 10 mins later.  In the last 2 hours, I've managed to stand up without pain or a contraction twice.  Even now, as I sit down I'm getting pressure....

This last two hours has taken a toll on my spirit - thats for sure.  I'm trying really hard to keep focused on the positive and that I can do this for the next 8 weeks.... but its SO hard for me to stay positive.  I have a really hard time asking for help and I feel like a failure for having to ask Tom to help me pick William up because I can't physically stand up.  How am I going to do this?  Tom can't be home with me all day every day...  What happens if there is an emergency and I can't get to William in time?  Its not like I can let him and Bailey have the run of the house all day...  But I can't chase them around either.  I don't know what to do.  Its so frustrating to me that something everyone in the world can do, my body can't.  I just want ONE easy, simple pregnancy.  Maybe I'm just not meant to have one....  Who knew 2 lines could be so complicated?