Pressure

So much pressure tonight...  Shes kicking me a lot, so that is a good sign.  Shes been a lot quieter this week (one more sign of impending labor) than she has been for the last month.  Shes head down but the L&D doc couldn't say if shes engaged or not.  I have no appetite at all and I'm basically forcing myself to eat 3 - 5 times a day.  Pretty sure I'm losing my plug but I never knew I lost it with William so who knows....  I've been having more contractions here and there so I'm hoping that SOMETHING is happening.  At least if my body is progressing that means all this misery is worth it.  Have to work tomorrow night, already not looking forward to it.  :(

Almost there!

Its almost Halloween!  I'll be 32 weeks (33 by LMP) and that is my goal to hold her in there until Halloween.  For the third day this week I can feel her head with my hand...  so much pressure and its uncomfortable feeling like I have a bowling ball stuck between my legs.  Everything is still going well body wise.  Doc said I'm not thinning out anymore but since its a person by person measurement and pretty open ended, I'm not sure she is right.  I'm seeing a different doc on Wed and I'm curious to see what she says.  Last night I had a lot of pain, a lot...  I thought I was going into labor I had so much pressure and pain.  I had to call into work today because I'm hurting so bad.  I hate calling into work but I needed to do it. I hope I can handle tomorrow... 8 hour shift.  Haven't done that in a LONG time.

I realize a lot of my feelings towards this pregnancy are wrong but ya know what, thats my burden to carry and no one else's.  I'm ready for her to be here and if you don't like it - I don't care.  I've been pregnant for 47 of the last 50 weeks.  That drains you in a way no one will understand until they've been there.  Yeah, I did it to myself and yeah, I knew what I was signing up for but that doesn't mean I can't complain.  It sucks.  I hate being pregnant and I'm at the point where I am done.  So yeah, I'm done and I'm ready for her to be born.  That makes me a selfish bitch, and that is ok with me.  Sometimes you need to be a little selfish.   

Rough Day

Today was another rough day.  I did ok for the most part until I got to work.  For about 5 hours I dealt with constant back pain / ache, contractions basically every time I stood up, a lot of pressure, lots of baby moving around.  I'm getting sharper, quick pains down in my cervix so I'm pretty sure by Wed that I will be dilating.  I know every woman says it, but I honestly don't think I can carry her to full term.  My body hurts so bad, I just don't think it can sustain this amount of pain for any extended time period.  Its not about positive thinking and living in the land of fairies... its about being realistic.  Obviously I'm not in any hurry to get her out, but it feels like in 2 or 3 days, I'm 6 weeks more pregnant than I was.  I feel like I'm carrying an almost full term baby, and I know I won't be able to hack it for another 10 weeks.  Before I was at least able to sit comfortably.  Now I can't sit, I can't stand, I can't lean, I can't lay down...  everything is uncomfortable.  I hurt... a lot.  I'm ready to be done.  I'm physically defeated.

Good News?

Well, things have been good and bad around here.  My MIL has been over 3 times now, made dinner, taken care of the babies, cleaned up around the house.  Its been really nice.  Tom has been amazing the last couple of days, hes been really good with taking care of me and the babies.  Hes had a couple of moments of being overwhelmed, but who wouldn't when you suddenly have your entire family's well being in your hands?

Its been a pretty rough time since around 10 pm last night.  Gabby has been really really low on my cervix and when the doc checked me, she said she could feel her head through my cervix.  I'm thinning out but not dilating...  So its good and bad news.  I mean, realistically, you can go from not dilated to 10 cms in 12 hours....  so its not much reassurance that I'm not dilated yet.  She will be able to be born at the hospital down the street from us which is a huge weight off my shoulders...  I'm so glad she will be only 5 mins away rather than 30 mins from here.    My prediction is she will be here in 16 days...  Everyone keeps telling me to hold her in...  Not exactly how it works!  But ya know, I'm doing what I can do...  Who knew 2 lines could be so complicated?

Ok, I did it

I sucked it up and I asked for help.  So Tom's mom will be stopping by a couple times a week to help me with the babies and the house work.  Not my ideal situation, but I can't do it all alone and Tom is already getting stressed out after only 3 days.  I'm officially off the salesfloor at work, so that is awesome.  I can finally sit down!

I've managed to hand express 2 ounces of colostrum every day for 3 days in a row so I have 6 ounces frozen for her whenever she gets here.  I guess my body is producing special colostrum to give her everything she needs, so I don't want to waste it.  And the better stash I get built up, the better for her once shes born.  I'd like to avoid formula if we can.  First hospital NST and u/s went well today.  My fluid levels are really good, shes crazy active in there, and shes still head up - all good signs that she is doing well in there and isn't stressed.  We made it through our first week of pre-term scare, 3 more weeks to go and she will be a 32 weeker!  Means no level III NICU (hopefully) and a shorter stay in the hospital.

My ribs are killing me from her moving and my skin already feels bruised from the inside.  It wasn't like this until William was closer to 36 - 38 weeks - its just crazy.  She feels like a big baby, close to 3 pounds I'd assume right now.  The bigger the better at this point.  I heard for every 1 day I stay pregnant, that is 2 less in the NICU so that is what I'm focused on right now.  Making it through every day for the next 3 weeks.  Halloween is my goal.  I want her born after Halloween.  My calendar is hanging up in the kitchen... its nice to walk by and see those big Xs crossing off each day we've made it so far.

I picked up a couple books on preemies today from the library, so I'm going to get reading those.  I want to be as prepared as humanely possible.  I also have one I ordered this weekend that should be here in the next week or so.  So I'm going to try and learn everything I can so that I'm as prepared as possible. Overall, I'm feeling really good.  Emotionally, I'm in a good place.  I know this is happening for a reason.  Physically, I hurt - but its a small sacrifice to ensure my baby girl is healthy.  I'm not worried about any of this - maybe thats a bad thing?  I think I deal with emotional issues too logically and rationally...  Or maybe I'm just shutting it all out so that my stress says at nill.  Who knows but who cares, right?  The goal is a healthy baby whos given every opportunity to thrive while shes in there and after she comes out and that is all I'm worried about.

Its so crazy....  I feel like I haven't had 7 months to prepare for a new baby and now all of the sudden she could be here tomorrow.  Its unreal!  But, I'm keeping my head up - I'm staying strong for my family and I'm doing everything I can for my baby girl.  There is NO way a man could ever do this... ever!  Who knew 2 lines could be so complicated, eh?

Better Today

Today has been a better day, for the most part.  Managed to do my light shopping at Target, not too much pain.  Few times I had to stop or slow down and let the pain subside, but I figure that will be normal for the next few weeks. No issues getting him in and out of the carseat today, which was nice.  I did find a calendar at work and I have every day marked until Halloween - my next short term goal.  I NEED to stay pregnant for 14 more days and her health will be greatly improved as opposed to her being born before then.  As of right now, she has a 90- 95% survival rate which is oddly comforting.  Its a very strange thing to be looking up information on how likely it is that your child will die.  I'm approaching it rationally and logically, I'm not sure there needs to be any emotion at this point.  I'm not scared, I'm not worried, I'm not panicking.  Maybe its just the calm before the storm.  I'm not really sure, but I am surprised that I am so calm about all of it.  I guess its just one of those things - there is nothing I can do about it.  She is coming whenever she is coming, and I have no control over it.  I am just the carrying vessel  :)

After around 6 or 7, I started getting more pressure and some pain so I'm figuring this is what all of my evenings will be like.  Gravity working against me.  So I am trying to basically sort out what is normal for this and what is stuff to be worried about.  I've had some contractions here and there, nothing I'm counting mins or duration for.  She has been quieter the last few days than she has been in a couple weeks, which just reaffirms to me that she will be coming soon.  My body is sending all the signals that labor is coming, so I'm trying to get my ducks in a row before she shows up.  :) 

As most of you know, positivity isn't my strong suit but being realistic is.  I know shes ok.  I know she will be ok whenever she is born.  Shes a fighter, I know that already.  We are strongly connected, much different than with the boys.  I've had connections with all three, the worst being William by far.  With Isaac, it was a quick, strong bond but I always knew we wouldn't meet face to face.  I always knew I would never hold him in my arms.  With Gabby, the connection was slower to grow but now its there and its very real.  And I KNOW she is going to be ok.  My baby girl is a fighter, and she is going to be a - ok. 

Who knew 2 lines could be so complicated....

Not working today

My body that is.  I was feeling SO good this morning.  I woke up and I was amazed, like a new breath of air in my lungs.  Today is a new day, I can do this, constantly giving myself positive mantras.  I made it all the way downstairs with no pain - a good sign.  I made it to William's room and Bailey's cage with no pain - big plus.  Take Bailey out, no problems.  Get me and the dude dressed to go to the doc - no problem.

On the way home from the doctor's office, I decided I wanted a salad.  So I figure I'll stop at Meijer on the way home and grab stuff for salad.  Problem as soon as I try to get William out of his car seat.  We get 5 feet into the store and instantly I have pain in my cervix.  Nothing better than trying to walk through the grocery store, bent in half, leaning on the cart while trying to keep your kid distracted so they don't see you in pain and trying not to get too many funny looks from other shoppers.  I NEED to be able to do this.  My body needs to work right now.  Took me about half an hour to get what I needed - much longer than necessary.  I was just trying my damnest to get through the store as quickly and painlessly as possible.  Ended up spending too much money but I just didn't care.  I wanted to get into the van so I could sit down.

I had 6 bags of groceries in the car, managed to get 3 of them out.  I only wanted to get the refrigerated stuff out so that it didn't go bad.  Bailey at this point had been sitting in her crate for two hours, and she needed to go outside.  So I take her outside and she pees, I turn around and William locked the glass sliding door.  Fucking fantastic.  I check my pockets... no keys, no cell phone.  The ONE time I don't have my cell phone on me and its when my 18 month old just locked himself in the house.  So I'm trying not to panic...  I go around to the front door hoping I didn't lock it. Nope - locked.  Side door is locked up tight.  So I remember, I had opened William's window.  Try it, nope - security locks are open.  Not like I could climb through it anyways...  So after 15 mins of trying to convince William to unlock the door, I said fuck it - I'm gonna go to the neighbors and ask to borrow their phone.  And OF COURSE - shes not home.  Grr.  The neighbor 2 doors down is outside, and let me borrow his cell to call Tom and tell him to come home.  He offers to help out, but there is nothing I can do without a key into the house.  So I walk back to the sliding door to see William attempting to turn the gas stove on....  I bang on the door, tell him no, and he comes back over to the door.  5 more mins and he finally gets to the latch, so I managed to slide the door open and get back in the house.

Of course, I can't punish him for it.  Hes just a baby, he doesn't understand that what he did was bad and dangerous.  So I tell him no, thats a bad boy.  He said hi and walked away... so yeah.  I managed to get into the living room and I HAD to sit down because I got such an intense pain in my cervix.  I actually made a yelping noise - which is rare at best for me.  That began the last 2 hours or so of misery for me.  I got William into bed with a bottle and had to sit down.  Luckily, Tom walked in the house about 10 mins later.  In the last 2 hours, I've managed to stand up without pain or a contraction twice.  Even now, as I sit down I'm getting pressure....

This last two hours has taken a toll on my spirit - thats for sure.  I'm trying really hard to keep focused on the positive and that I can do this for the next 8 weeks.... but its SO hard for me to stay positive.  I have a really hard time asking for help and I feel like a failure for having to ask Tom to help me pick William up because I can't physically stand up.  How am I going to do this?  Tom can't be home with me all day every day...  What happens if there is an emergency and I can't get to William in time?  Its not like I can let him and Bailey have the run of the house all day...  But I can't chase them around either.  I don't know what to do.  Its so frustrating to me that something everyone in the world can do, my body can't.  I just want ONE easy, simple pregnancy.  Maybe I'm just not meant to have one....  Who knew 2 lines could be so complicated?

It was suggested

That I start a blog to archive my journey until -and after - the birth of my daughter Gabby.  I'm intrigued, excited and nervous about starting this blog since I've never done one before but I'm hoping that it is a good experience. 

I found out Tuesday morning that my FFN test came back positive, indicating that I am at risk for pre-term labor.  A phone call you never want to get, thats for sure.  The nurse said my doctor wanted to see me as soon as possible, so I made an appointment for Wed at 10:45.  So I did what I always do when I get news that I don't know much about - I hit Google.  I've been reading for 2 days about everything preemie because I want to be prepared for what is very likely to happen.  I have 11 and a half weeks left until I'm 40 weeks, 8 weeks until my doctor is ok with me delivering Gabby.  Funny how quickly an opinion can change.  A week ago I was bitching I had 12 weeks to go, now I'm hoping I make it 8 more.

So doctor gives me a list of restrictions for what I am no longer able to do - the part of the appointment I was dreading.  I was pleasantly surprised to hear her tell me I'm required to be sitting at work from now on, and not that I had to stop working.  Big stress lifted off my chest.  Then she tells me no sex - normally I wouldn't be a happy camper but pregnant sex just isn't my thing.  No lifting, including my 18 month old son.  Could cause a lot of issues considering I'm home with him all day and most nights.  No longer allowed to do anything that requires my stomach muscles - limited bending, no vacuuming, can't grocery shop alone.  Ugh.  What a nightmare.

I have to do NSTs twice a week until shes born.  I have to get two steroid injections in order to help her lungs mature faster.  Weekly cervical checks for dilation and effacement - which isn't happening right now thankfully.  She mentioned ultrasounds, but not sure how often those will be happening.  I don't know how I'm going to manage this with a toddler, but what other choice do I have really?  If it means a healthy baby, I'll do it.

I've already started researching the area NICUs and it looks like the closest hospital is going to be one in Royal Oak (about 30 mins away).  I don't know how I'm going to juggle a toddler and daily visits (possibly more) to see my baby in the NICU, since William will not be allowed to go to the NICU with me.  Not that I would want him there, I can't imagine trying to have a toddler in a NICU...  I'm thinking we are going to need to lean on family members, and that is something I have a hard time doing.  I hate thinking that our decision is going to impact so many other people by needing them to come watch our son so we can spend time with our daughter. 

Thats all I have time for tonight, will try to pick back up soon.  Who knew 2 lines could be so complicated?